Bert's Rampage
by KrDoz
Summary: Bert finds out his crush Lisa has a boyfriend and he goes insane!


*Opening Sequence*  
*Title Screen*  
Bert's Rampage!

There he was, all decked out in his jacket and slicked back hair, on Lisa Raccoon's porch that evening. Flowers in hand he knocked on the door. Lisa answered the door. There she was in her dress, like she was a princess waiting to be swept up off her feet my Bert the Knight.

But that didn't happen. There was no Bert the Knight, only Bert the Coward. The princess he saw did not have a dreamy smile on her face. Instead he was met with a scowl, a look of disgust and anger.

"Bert Raccoon! I told you not to come over here unannounced!" She growled at him in a hushed tone.

Bert was shaken out of his love trance. "But- but Lisa!" he stammered. "Lisa I love you!"

"Who are you talking to Lisa?" Came a masculine voice from inside.  
Lisa opened the door wider to reveal him. There he stood. A taller, broad shouldered handsome raccoon with waved hair like Troy Malone's, a perfect smile and to top it all off… a red sweater with a yellow "C" on it!

"Bert, you've met Curt haven't you? He's my boyfriend from my old school! We're still going out!" Lisa said with her teeth clenched. Her eyes like daggers piercing his soul. She was almost grinning as she said that.

Bert stared at her, then him, then Lisa again. He was speechless. He was frozen in fear and shock. He felt his heart explode.

"Hi, I'm Curtis! Curtis Blackpaw! Nice to meet you!" Curt said as he extended his hand. "But you can call me Curt!"  
Bert shook his hand with a limp wrist. "H-hi Curt…" he mumbled as his lips began to tremble. "I gotta go!"

Burt turned around and ran. He ran as fast as he could. Into the dark forest. He didn't want Lisa to see his tears. As soon as he was out of sight he let it all out.

"Bwahahaaa! Booo hoo hoo hoo!" He howled in sadness. His heart was broken. He threw the flowers away and tore off his jacket. He sat down under a big tree.

"Fuck you Lisa! Fuck you to hell!" How could you? I loved you!" he said between sobs.

"What the fuck is wrong with me? Me! Bert Raccoon! I thought I was a Casanova! What the fuck happened!? Where did I go wrong!?"

He slowly got up and began to walk back to the Raccoondominium. "Fuck my life!" he said to himself.

When he arrived at the tree house he was met with Melissa and Ralph, who were quietly reading a novel and the newspaper, respectively, in the living room.

Melissa noticed him come in. "Hey Bert how was- Bert! What's wrong?" Melissa saw his teared up face.

"Lisa has a boyfriend! A fucking BOYFRIEND!" Bert yelled. His head hanging.

Ralph didn't lower the paper from his face. "Well Bert, I hate to say I told you so but, I told you so!" he chuckled.

Melissa giggled. "Yeah Bert, I thought you already knew that!"

Bentley and Schaeffer appeared from the kitchen. "Hey Bert!" Bentley said as he hopped over to Bert.

Bert's head popped up in surprise. His eyes still watery and red. His jaw dropped. "Where the fuck did YOU come from!?"

"Did you not know that Curt was visiting for the weekend? I thought I mentioned it to you last week on the lake? God you're dense!" Bentley chuckled.

"Ha Ha, Bert! You totally set yourself up for that one!" Schaeffer laughed heartily.

"Oh yez, Liza's new boyfwiend is quite hanzome I zay!" Nicole Raccoon came from the kitchen as well.

George Raccoon appeared soon after.

"Bert! Why didn't you call beforehand? Lisa and Curt have the evening to themselves! Why do you always have to come around at the wrong time!" George yelled, a stern scowl on his face. "That's why we're over here you dolt!"

Bert couldn't believe it. First he got his heart torn out with a surprise visit from Lisa's boyfriend, and now everyone happened to be at his house laughing at him because of it. He was bewildered. The room spun around him, everyone laughing hard at him.

"Oh my life just sucks right now!" he screamed as he bolted up the stairs. The door slammed as he got to his room.

"Wow, Bert's really having a bad day huh?" Ralph announced as he cracked open a Snoup's beer can.

The others were holding beer cans too. "He sure is! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" They all laughed out loud and sipped their beer.

Bert Raccoon was laying in his bed curled up in the fetal position. He was quietly sobbing to himself. Bert's bedroom was dark. He had the shades drawn and curtains shut.

"Why Lisa…" he wimpered to himself between the sobs. His cheek fur was matted down from all the tears he was weeping. "Boo hoo hoo!"

Ralph and Melissa were downstairs with Schaeffer, Nicole and Bentley. George was doing a handstand on top of the keg with the hose in his mouth.

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" they all chanted as George sucked the beer out from the nozzle as fast as he could. He gulped a big mouthful and spewed it all over himself and the others. He fell over onto the floor.

"Chough! Cough! Hack!" George choked up. He sat up. "Whew! The freaking room is spinning! Nicki, your turn!"

"Oh I don't know Zeorge! It's lookz too scawy!" She said.

"Do it faggot!" Ralph yelled at his sister in law. He chugged his beer from a red plastic SOLO cup.  
Melissa looked up the stairway. "I wonder how bitch boy is doing?" She said.

"Who gives a shit! Probably crying himself to sleep." Ralph said. He walked over to the stereo. "Ha! Ha! This'll wake him up!" He slapped a record on the turntable and turned on the SX-1980 receiver.

Fast, hard, slamming death metal blared out of the speakers. The sound literally shook the raccoondominium.

OPEN THE WOMB KILL THE ABORTED FETUS RAPE HER WITH A KNIFE ALL BURN IN ETERNAL HELL…

Bert jumped out of his bed. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING!?" He screamed. "They're doing this on purpose! I fucking hate them all!"

Bert opened up his closet and pulled out a black AR-15 rifle. "I have to do this, fuck them all! I'm going to die anyway!" he said.

Bert inserted the 30 round magazine in the gun and pulled the charging handle. "Time to die fuckers!" he said as he walked down the hall way.

As he made his way down the stairs he saw the others thrashing out to the metal music. "I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!" he screamed. He pointed the gun at them.

The music was so loud they didn't hear him. But they heard the gunfire over it. BLAM! BLAM!

Everyone stopped and looked at Bert. Melissa was laying on the floor motionless.

"OH MY GOOOD! MELISSA! WHYYYY!?" Ralph screamed as he ran over to Melissa body.

"THIS IS WHAT YOU GET! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR FUCKING WITH MY LIFE!" Bert screamed as he gunned down the others.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Everyone was dead except Bert. He pointed the rifle at the stereo and shot out the unit. BLAM! BLAM! The music ceased.

Bert was panting. He had done it. He killed all his friends. There was no turning back now.

"Now for Lisa and that douchebag boyfriend of hers!" he said. He ran upstairs and grabbed another 30 round mag. Bert walked out of the Raccoondominium and headed for Lisa's house.

Lisa's window was open. She was giggling in her room. Curt was eating her out.

"Oh yess!" Lisa moaned. "Lick my furry pussy!"

"You like that babe? I was the coon pussy licking champ back in the city. They called me Cunt-Lickin' Curt back then!" Curt said when he came up for air. He licked his chops.

"Wow! I can see why! I never knew your tongue could move so fast!" Lisa said with satisfaction.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"What the hell!?" Lisa gasped. She pulled up her pants and headed downstairs. Curt got up too.

Down in the foyer the front door was being banged on hard from the outside. Lisa opened the door.

Bert stood there bloody, fur all messed up and holding the AR-15. A grin on his face.

"OM MY GOD BERT! What thehell!? Why do you have a gun!?" Lisa cried.

"Lisa… Lisa I love you! I LOVE YOU LISA RACCOON!" Bert screamed.

Curt dashed to the door. "What the fuck!? What's going on!?" He said.

Bert turned to Curt. "YOU! YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG! AND YOU CAN'T HAVE LISA! FUCK YOU!" he yelled. He pointed the gun at Curt and pulled the trigger.

BLAM!

Curt was knocked back onto the floor. A large bloody hole ripped out of his chest.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD! YOU KILLED CURT! WHY BERT WHYY!" Lisa screamed and squealed.

"I saved these hollowpoints for YOU! You asshole!" Bert said to Curt's dead body.

Lisa grabbed Bert's rifle. "You bastard! I hate you Bert Raccoon!" She screamed.

The two raccoons were wrestling with the gun. Bert still had his finger on the trigger.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Shots fired into the ceiling.

Lisa yelped as the gunfire hurt her ears. She put her hands over them.

"Why don't you love me Lisa? I thought we were meant for each other?" Bert said calmly as he pointed the gun at her.

"LOVE YOU!? You killed my boyfriend, Bert! Go to hell!" Lisa snapped at him.

"Well I also killed your whole family too! You fucking bitch! Ralph and Melissa too!" Bert yelled.

"WHAT!? MOM!? DAD!?" Lisa screamed.

"Yes! Bentley too! Everyone's dead!" Bert replied.

"You killed mom and dad!? You fucking asshole! I hate you!" Lisa

"But I love you Lisa… and we'll be together forever in heaven!" Bert said. He pulled the trigger.

BLAM!

Lisa crumpled on the floor. The sight of her beautiful young body dead was too much for Bert to handle.

"OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?" Bert screamed to himself.

He quickly turned the gun around and put the muzzle into his mouth. He reached for the trigger but could barely reach it. He tried as hard as he could to push it with his finger. The gun was too long for his arms.

"Fuck!" he said. "Don't worry Lisa, I'll see you in a minute, hold on!"

He sat down on the couch, put the gun back in his mouth and pulled the trigger with his toe.

BLAM!

*Fade Out*  
*Fade In to Ending Sequence*

You Can Run With Us  
We've Got Everything You Need  
Run With Us  
We Are Free...


End file.
